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Post by ima on Feb 25, 2006 0:40:36 GMT -6
Ok, I just thought I would offer myself to any questions you people here have about what it is like being married to a guy on deathrow.
Here is a bit of info for you first. I wrote him thinking I would be doing some good by helping him turn his life over to God before his time with death came.
The more I got to know him and listened to him about his case the more I thought maybe he was one of those on deathrow that was innocent like he claimed. I spoke to many people involved and the more people I spoke to the more I was sure he was. So I worked with his attorneys to help get him a new trial date and/or DNA testing.
He and I became more and more involved and looking back I can see I never really loved him. I had several relationships with men on the outside (they never had been in prison) and I was not a prison groupie and had never thought of even writting to anyone in prison before let alone on deathrow.
I think I really believed in him being innocent 100% and felt so sorry for this guy who had been put in prison for a murder he didn't do. Spending his whole life there. He was 18 by only a few days when he went in. He is now 38.
We talked about having a real relationship once he got out. Well things moved on and soon we talked about marriage. He wanted to wait until he was proven innocent but I wanted to prove that I really "knew" he was going to get out so I said no, let's do it now and then when you get out we will have a big wedding with everyone there. STUPID ME!
His DNA test came back. The only thing it proved was that I was such a fool. I not only found out he was guilty but I paid $3500 of my own money.
Of course he said they messed with the tests. Well my eyes were opened by then. I dug more into his background and found out even more things he did that turned my stomache.
I broke off all contact. I moved and he has no way of getting touch with me except through emails sent by his attorney (which I don't answer).
I'm still married. Why? Well, a few reasons. One is I have no desire to date anyone right now let alone get married so why spend the money? Two, I can't afford it. Three, if I got divorced it would just open him up to getting someone else to marry him and it would destroy her life too. But, most of all, I made a vow to God that I meant. So I don't think I should get a divorce.
His time should be up soon. I have no idea how I will feel about that.
Anyway, if anyone here has any questions to throw my way I'm willing to answer just about anything. I don't get on here everyday so if I don't answer right away forgive me.
By answering questions I'm hoping to either help some other woman who may be thinking about getting married to someone on deathrow to open her eyes. Or clear up the belief by some that ALL woman who get married or write to death row inmates are crazy groupies.
I'm the farthest thing from being a groupie that you will ever find.
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Post by Sandoval on Feb 25, 2006 0:59:48 GMT -6
Forgive me if this is to private, but did you have contact visits?
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Post by californian on Feb 25, 2006 1:21:28 GMT -6
One then finds it hard to imagine what the closest thing must be like.
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Post by myamber20 on Feb 25, 2006 5:41:51 GMT -6
I am glad that you have gotten away from this scum bag.
They all say the same thing. I am innocent, and everyone is against them. They drain you for everything you have and your dignity.
I am sorry that you also fell a victim to him. Now is the time to think about you.
Good Luck Carolyn
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Post by RickZ on Feb 25, 2006 6:52:02 GMT -6
His DNA test came back. The only thing it proved was that I was such a fool. I not only found out he was guilty but I paid $3500 of my own money. Did you turn the DNA results over to the prosecuting authorities to prevent later spurious claims of "innocence"? Sounds like you're still confused. He's guilty and will, hopefully, get the justice that he is deservedly due. Do you have a problem wth justice? |
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Post by Charlene on Feb 25, 2006 7:13:09 GMT -6
You made an excellent point about him not being able to remarry if you don't divorce him. Don't be too hard on yourself - you may have stupid moments but you are obviously capable of pretty good rationale thinking.
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Post by sweethonesty on Feb 25, 2006 7:14:12 GMT -6
you could afford to pay out $3500 to make sure this moron was innocent? Yet you cant afford a divorce? Its sad to me that you allowed yourself to get into this situation. I think the majority of DR inmates play on the insecure women with low self esteem. You im sure are not alone in being suckered or pulled into this, for ive seen plenty like you that have had the balls to come forward and explain your situation.
What i dont understand is why you didnt take in to consideration the entire picture that lead up to this guys going to DR.
Now i have to ask, what is your stand on the DP? Are you for it, or against it, and has your marriage to a DR Inmate changed how you feel towards it now?
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Post by josephdphillips on Feb 25, 2006 10:42:35 GMT -6
if I got divorced it would just open him up to getting someone else to marry him and it would destroy her life too. But, most of all, I made a vow to God that I meant. So I don't think I should get a divorce. If he wanted to remarry, he could just divorce you. He doesn't need your consent, unless your state is different than mine. If God isn't punishing your husband for murder, which appears to be the case, he certainly won't punish you for divorcing a murderer. Your election to cleave to a murderer isn't all that virtuous. If you ask me, you're still in denial. You can do better. Slap yourself in the face, wake up and move on. |
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Post by californian on Feb 25, 2006 11:44:54 GMT -6
You crack me up, Phillips.
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Post by onetwobomb on Feb 25, 2006 11:52:31 GMT -6
who is he? and what state
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Post by josephdphillips on Feb 25, 2006 12:37:29 GMT -6
You crack me up, Phillips. Is it bad advice? I just call 'em like I see 'em. Something compels these deathrowsexuals to seek out, and become beguiled by, the most loathsome creatures on the planet. There is abnormal psychology at work here, as all the ladies here, who can't possibly imagine what attracts women to murderers, can attest. |
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Post by californian on Feb 25, 2006 13:03:56 GMT -6
You crack me up, Phillips. Is it bad advice? I just call 'em like I see 'em. Something compels these deathrowsexuals to seek out, and become beguiled by, the most loathsome creatures on the planet. There is abnormal psychology at work here, as all the ladies here, who can't possibly imagine what attracts women to murderers, can attest. I just said it was a funny remark, Joe. don't read anything into it. BTW, how many think this is a spoof post? |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2006 13:15:31 GMT -6
Is it bad advice? I just call 'em like I see 'em. Something compels these deathrowsexuals to seek out, and become beguiled by, the most loathsome creatures on the planet. There is abnormal psychology at work here, as all the ladies here, who can't possibly imagine what attracts women to murderers, can attest. I just said it was a funny remark, Joe. don't read anything into it. BTW, how many think this is a spoof post? I am not sure about real or spoof. I think someone by this same internet handle posted a similar story here last year, but what proved his guilt to her in that story was what she found in an envelope in a case file she shouldn't have opened. If this is the same as the last Ima then the story has changed if I am remembering correctly. |
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Post by josephdphillips on Feb 25, 2006 14:26:28 GMT -6
I just said it was a funny [/b] remark, Joe. don't read anything into it. BTW, how many think this is a spoof post? [/quote] If it's a fake post, it's a good fake. What is presented as true certainly sounds plausible. It is true that many are gullible to the dubious charms of the condemned. I can hardly blame murderers for wanting to beguile potential admirers. I'm simply amazed women actually fall for murderers. I wonder if the brain chemistry of deathrowsexuals is different than that of non-deathrowsexuals. I'd really like to know. |
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Post by Sue on Feb 25, 2006 14:38:58 GMT -6
Ima it took a great deal of courage to come post on here and open yourself for all kinds of insults . People aren't receptive to those romantically involved with death row inmates ,even though you may of seen the light .
If you would of known he was guilty from the beginning would you of still got involved ?
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Post by josephdphillips on Feb 25, 2006 14:53:09 GMT -6
People aren't receptive to those romantically involved with death row inmates And the award for Keen Grasp of the Obvious goes to.... |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2006 15:07:45 GMT -6
Well, the only question I have is.....who is he?
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Post by ima on Feb 25, 2006 16:47:01 GMT -6
Wow! More posts here then I ever thought there would be. Let me try to answer them all. First I am for real. Those who don't think so well I don't really care about that. No desire or need to try to change your mind. I did post before about finding stuff in the court records but you are a bit mixed up as to what it was. It was a sealed record that showed two of the witnesses had major crimes (rape and attempted murder) dropped to get them to say he was the killer. This is what made me dig deeper into his case and start to think about if what he was saying is true or not. I know most people on deathrow and in prison in general say they were not guilty. Part of who they are I guess. I do believe God will take care of him as He sees fit. Maybe not what you or I would want or as fast but in His time. I don't think God would punish me for getting a divorce but my vows to God mean a lot to me. If my husband wanted a divorce and came up with the money then that's fine. I have no problem with a divorce but right now I have no real reason to get one. Yes I paid the $3500 for the DNA test. Yes this info was given to both sides. It just started a whole new chain of lies saying they tampered with it. I am still not sure about the DP in general. I don't see how taking a life is the place of any human....for what ever reason. But, then again, I'm not sure how to stop these criminals from continuing to hurt others. My belief is we should fight to change what prison/deathrow is like. Put them in a cell with NO human contact. No phone calls, no mail, no tv. Just give food (who cares if it is hot or cold or tastes good to them) through a slot in the door. Bassiclly no real life to speak of. Who cares if they go crazy or kill themself. That's up to them. It would be hell on earth. Now they get cable tv, visits, money, letters, medical/dental and even schooling. Now why would anyone on DR need schooling?  He got more money out of me then I ever dreamed anyone could. I'm by no means rich but did have a savings built up. Then I got hurt and am now on disablitity. Thus....can't afford the divorce. Yes I got contact visits. We could touch, hold hands and kiss but no there was no sex allowed. This is in CA. I don't feel comfortable posting his name here as I don't know who anyone here is.....hope you understand. I hope I got all the answers for you guys. I'm going to go back to read the posts again and will answer anything I left out. Oh wait, I remember one. No I am not, nor was I ever one of the prison groupies with low self estem. Things happen. Even the best of us can become a victim of a con. Dont' think you are above it. You NEVER really know a person at all. No matter how well you think you do. So please don't judge me and think you are better or that I'm some low life that was looking for love in a prison. I wasn't. |
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Post by ima on Feb 25, 2006 16:48:55 GMT -6
One then finds it hard to imagine what the closest thing must be like. Well it would be the men and women who go from one man/woman to the next. They live and breathe the prison life. They love going for visits and hanging out at a prison. It IS NOT one who writes an inmate one time in an effort to help share the word of God. At least not in my eyes. |
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Post by ima on Feb 25, 2006 16:50:27 GMT -6
His DNA test came back. The only thing it proved was that I was such a fool. I not only found out he was guilty but I paid $3500 of my own money. Did you turn the DNA results over to the prosecuting authorities to prevent later spurious claims of "innocence"? Sounds like you're still confused. He's guilty and will, hopefully, get the justice that he is deservedly due. Do you have a problem wth justice? I have no problem with justice. I just don't know if killing a human for any reason would be justice. To me there can NEVER be any justice when someone murders your loved one. The inmate may be dead but who really cares. Your loved one is sitll gone forever. |
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Post by ima on Feb 25, 2006 16:57:53 GMT -6
What i dont understand is why you didnt take in to consideration the entire picture that lead up to this guys going to DR.
Now i have to ask, what is your stand on the DP? Are you for it, or against it, and has your marriage to a DR Inmate changed how you feel towards it now?
[/quote]
I did take in the whole picture. He was not alone and there are several facts that are not clear..... long story. I didn't jus trust his word. I spoke to everyone about this case that had anything to do with it. I finally went and got the whole court records on this case. I found stuff the courts left out that should have been allowed in (at least in my eyes) and stuff I was shocked at (witnesses being paid or having crimes drop against them in exchange for them to say he was guilty when at first they said he wasn't)
This is a very complex case. Most likely why he is still alive today and not put to death right away. The other person got life. No one (but the two of them) knows who the shooter was. Why should one get life and one get death?
My opinion of the death penalty is still up in the air. The only thing my marriage did to change it was make me think more about it. It was something I never gave much thought to before.
Also by going to visit and talking to not only him but to other inmates I have learned that a murderer is not what you think he is. He is just like your neighbor, your coworker, your friend, your family member. He looks like them, talks like them, laughs like them.
They don't have the scary look about them or sound evil. Just by looking or talking to them you would never know what some evil things these men did.
Yes there are a few that look and talk like you think they would but most are just normal acting/looking. It made me more aware of people in general.
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Post by ima on Feb 25, 2006 17:06:02 GMT -6
Ok I think I got everyone here. Thanks to those of you are kind and understand that things happen in life that later we may regrete. Everyone makes mistakes.
My only advise to anyone who ever thought about writting to a guy in prison is to beware. I went into this thinking I would never be conned and thought I checked into everything before I acted. Well, these guys are good! They have nothing to do with their life but to think up lies and ways to con kind hearted women.
For the prison groupies, there is nothing romantic about being involved with a guy in prison let alone deathrow. It is not anything to be proud of or wish for. It is a lonely life and you will lose people who you care about becasuse you try to prove "he is a nice guy, not like the others in prison".
It's better to be alone and free then to be married to a man who will forever be behind bars. If he is someday going to be set free, well wait until he is before you get involved.
Listen to those who are around you. They care about you and when they say don't do what you are doing it is becasue they care.....not becasue they are jealous. There are so many men in prison that if they were jealous they could get their own inmate.
Learn from my mistakes. Open your eyes. You are better then that.
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Post by supermax on Feb 25, 2006 17:31:18 GMT -6
Ok I think I got everyone here. Thanks to those of you are kind and understand that things happen in life that later we may regrete. Everyone makes mistakes. My only advise to anyone who ever thought about writting to a guy in prison is to beware. I went into this thinking I would never be conned and thought I checked into everything before I acted. Well, these guys are good! They have nothing to do with their life but to think up lies and ways to con kind hearted women. For the prison groupies, there is nothing romantic about being involved with a guy in prison let alone deathrow. It is not anything to be proud of or wish for. It is a lonely life and you will lose people who you care about becasuse you try to prove "he is a nice guy, not like the others in prison". It's better to be alone and free then to be married to a man who will forever be behind bars. If he is someday going to be set free, well wait until he is before you get involved. Listen to those who are around you. They care about you and when they say don't do what you are doing it is becasue they care.....not becasue they are jealous. There are so many men in prison that if they were jealous they could get their own inmate. Learn from my mistakes. Open your eyes. You are better then that. If this is a scam or hoax post, you are pitiful. If its not, I find myself feeling great sympathy for you, and just want to press you a little further if I may ? You now understand the reality of one part of the fall out from the cruelty and deception acted out by these heinous murderers and you have learnt that the basis of your relationship was false. Now, my question to you is really what were you thinking ? You seem like a normal, rational person, what on earth drove you to contact a murderer ? For those of us who have already suffered at the hands of such foul brutes, dont you think that we deserve justice ? Why dont you think justice is the execution these murderers ? Im not meaning to be bitchy, Im just trying to understand. As far as your comments that these murderers are like neighbours etc, I cant tell you strongly enough, NO THEY arent. They arent like the rest of us non murderers, when they CHOOSE to end an innocent life they cross a line which normal civilised souls do not cross. This is why imo they need to be extinguished. Finally, about those who surround us, imagine if it was your mother/sister/neice who was murderered and could no longer offer you that loving guidance and support, then think about their murderer breathing, laughing, falling in love, learning etc....... this is why justice can only be served when some murderers are dead. Can you understand why the dp is justice ? |
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Post by cynthiak on Feb 25, 2006 19:06:59 GMT -6
I think you should teach classes to other women. Start with freaks wife.
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Post by californian on Feb 25, 2006 19:32:57 GMT -6
I'm an astronaut!  |
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Post by ima on Feb 25, 2006 23:04:10 GMT -6
I do not understand what makes anyone here think I am a fake. Is this really something one would want to post about if this was not for real?
I do not want any pity for me. Please! I know I was taken by a con and I feel pretty stupid for falling for it. Lesson learned.
What I was thinking was this, I had been in church a few weeks before and we were in the bible where it talks about forgiving others and reaching out to others with the love and grace Jesus gives to us. It talked about visiting those in prison.
It must have stuck somewhere in the back of my mind because for the first time ever I looked up penpal requests by prisoners. I ended up clicking on the deathrow pages to look at the men and women who ended up there.
I started to wonder what happened in their life to cause them to end up there. Some of the men wrote about how sorry they were, some of course said they were not guilty and others didn't even talk about thier crimes.
I wrote to five guys and the next morning I pick one at random to mail the letter. I was suprised I really got a reply back and wasn't sure what to do. So I answered it.
Things went on from there.
Yes I have no doubt that if I lost someone I loved to the hands of someone else then I would be wanting them dead too. I did lose my uncle to a murder but they let the guy go. He was a gang banger and is still walking the streets.
Yes I do think victims such as yourself should have justice. If to you having the killer killed then that would be justice....I guess. To me it wouldn't. It would take away my pain and loss. But, I'm not saying the killer should be able to laugh, watch tv and so on. That is why I'm not sure where I stand on the DP. Something needs to be done but I'm not sure killing is the thing.
As to the one who asked me about teaching a class to the freaks wife I'm not sure what you are talking about. I'm thinking you mean my husbands wife which of course is me. If so, believe me I've learned the hard way.
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Post by ima on Feb 25, 2006 23:07:34 GMT -6
Oh and as to my remark that these murderers are like our neighbors, friends and coworkers is they look and act like them. I'm sure most of the men on deathrow had neighbors, friends and family say at one point they would never had dreamed the guy on death row would one day end up there.
I doubt if anyone who gives birth ever dreamed their little boy or girl would grow up and one day kill someone. You just never know who will one day turn out to be the next person to murder someone.
Look at Scott Peterson. Everyone who knew him thought he was wonderful. But he turned out to be nothing more then another man on deathrow.
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Post by cynthiak on Feb 25, 2006 23:38:03 GMT -6
Ima,
Whether or not this is an old story, new story or whatever...whether or not this is the same as the other person or whatever...
I think you are brave to admit this on here. At first, reading the story, I would have sworn you were freaks wife but I guess most cases are similar.
Just wanted to tell you I thought you were brave for this
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Post by ima on Feb 26, 2006 0:23:03 GMT -6
Thank you. I've been on this board for awhile now. I don't post much. In fact I don't come here that often either. But lately I've coming here more.
The only reason I've really posted this at all was because I got several emails off line asking me questions.
I know it is most people's first thought to think anyone who writes or married a guy on dr must be a nut job. I thought that too. In fact it's true about a lot of women but then again I have met a lot that were nice, hard working, honest people that were married to someone on deathrow.
Since I don't come here that often I'm not sure who Freaks wife is. Maybe I don't want to know.
I did not want to start this to upset anyone or to say anything good about getting married to a guy on death row. Like I said, I learned the hard way how stupid it was. I lost a lot. Not just money but friends and respect from many people. I also lost my own self respect. But then I thought about it and know that we all make mistakes and so I've desided to pick up and move on with life.
There was a time, not to long ago I wouldn't have ever admitted that I was even married to my husband let alone open up and answer questions.
I was more expecting some students to write me and ask what it was like to be married to someone in prison. I really didn't think I would get the questions I did. But hey, if it helps answer any questions for anyone I'm willing to answer.
I hate to see anyone put labels on people. Not everyone is the same, no matter what group you look at.
Yes there are nut cases married to guys on dr but I don't want you or anyone here to group all wifes in the same group. We are not all alike.
It's funny. I really thought I was going to get some deep questions thrown at me that would make me take a look inside me and address issues like what I would do when my husband gets his date. Would I break down to go see him or talk to him on the phone? Would I go watch the execution? Things like that.
Anyway, thanks for your post. It was nice.
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Post by DAVID1 on Feb 26, 2006 10:26:44 GMT -6
Thank You Ima, please remember that despite you naivety the death penalty is the ultimate act of rehabilitation. As a Roman Catholic I do not believe in divorce. However, your husband can redeem himself by confessing his sins and asking for God to forgive him. If he abandons his appeals and atones for his crimes by facing the death penalty like a man, I do believe some good will come of this sad situation. Hopefully, when he is executed his victims will have some form of closure and you will be able to find a more meaningful relationship with an honest law-abiding member of society. I wish you well for the future and may God help the souls of the victims.
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